How NOT to Win the Affection of an Earth Female
by Linda J
Summary: Zim will do anything the TV says to woo Gaz.
1. Chapter 1

How NOT to Win the Affection of an Earth Female

BY Linda J

Rated: PG-13 for no other reason other than once yanked one of my best fics off this site for no good excuse and now I won't have characters in my stories do much more than hold hands! Well alright maybe a little kiss; but no tongues! That might offend someone and they'll report my story to the mighty lords who won't even bother to read the story for themselves; they'll just take my happy little story down that I worked so hard on and then they'll congratulate themselves for being so perfectly politically correct.

Summary; Zim is still trying to earn Gaz's allegiance and he'll do just about anything to get it. Just to let you know that I've begun to write this story line to reflect how I felt it should have gone or eventually would evolve into. Nothing too drastic I assure, but slightly noticeable to the hard core "stick to the storyline" fans.

Disclaimer: They ain't mine; I won't be making any money.

CH1

It was a day like any other except this day had been especially rough on the poor alien Zim. He walked into his fortress with his head hung low, feeling tired, frustrated and just a bit beaten. Gir who had been sitting quietly in front of the TV all day, (well as quietly as Gir can sit) watched his master come in the front door and the first thing he noticed was that his master was entirely covered with feathers. But before he could even open his mouth to speak, Zim growled, "Don't ask Gir; don't even ask!"

Zim said nothing else as he headed for the lower levels of his lair where he could wash himself clean. Gir shrugged his shoulders and returned to watching the TV, mindlessly flipping through the channels one by one for the next hour or so. When Zim resurfaced he was mostly clean, except for a few feathers that were sticking to the most uncomfortable places.

His latest scheme for world domination had been the most brilliant one he had thought of to date, or so he thought, but like all his other 'brilliant' plans it too failed; miserably. What was really ironic was that for Zim, laying the Earth in ruins and enslaving mankind was no longer really a mission; it had become more of his hobby by now. Yes, someday he will rule this disgusting stink hole of a planet with an iron fist, but since the Irken leaders had pretty much brushed him off making it clear to him that they weren't exactly interested in Earth right now, he decided for himself to make this his personal project. If he succeeded in world domination, good for him and if not, -well lets face it, for Zim there is no such thing as- "if not". Surely his next scheme would be even better than the last and even more surely it _would not_ fail that is just as soon as he thought of it; but for now he felt like sitting down on the couch and watch some of this mindless TV. He sat there quietly watching but after a while he couldn't help but think about his persistent problem. "I don't understand it Gir, these humans are no match for my great intellect, nor can they even compare to my impressive craftiness, yet for some reason I can't find the key to mastering this race."

"You should try something new," Gir casually mentioned as he continued to eat handfuls of uncooked popcorn never looking away from the screen.

"Yes Gir," Zim sneered. "I figured that much out on my own. Now could you be so kind as to tell me _what_ new thing I should try?"

Gir's cyan eyes brightened. "Try new and improved Sweat-tee. The sports drink made from real sweat."

Zim would have been infuriated by his robot's moronic comment if he hadn't become used to Gir's normally outrageously abnormal behavior by now. "Be quiet Gir, you're no help. What I should do is find someone new help me with my plans for world domination; like that sister of Dib's for instance I'm positive she would be most helpful in assisting me in world conquest. That is if she just wasn't so- scary."

Gir smiled at the thought. "Ooh Gaz, I like her." Zim quickly stiffened and shot Gir a jealous glare.

"Let me remind you Gir, we're here to enslave these filthy, disgusting hairless primates, not _like_ them!" He then folded his arms over his chest, "Besides, she's too good for you."

It took a couple of moments for Gir to catch what Zim was saying and even a moment longer to catch what Zim had NOT said. The robot cracked a sly smile. "I didn't know you like her too!"

"Shut up!" Zim snapped angrily. "How dare you even consider such a vile and absurd idea!"

Gir stood up and began to dance around the room as he uncontrollably began to sing, "You li-ike her! You li-ike her!" Zim immediately began chasing him around the room ready to pound him into a pile of twisted wires and broken circuits!

"I will not stand for these insults Gir! I am your master, I AM ZIM! Now stop your insane rants this once." Gir's eyes turned bright red as he came to an abrupt stop, whirling around to face and salute his master only to have Zim run right into him with a smack, making the little green man fall backward onto his back.

"Um, yes then," Zim uttered dizzily. "Now let's return to this viewing the television. I, feel a headache coming on."

The two alien beings sat there content to watch a few of their favorite shows when a commercial came on of a man spraying on some aerosol all over his body only to have a bunch of women tackle him to he ground. "_Hatchet body spray for men; when just no ordinary stench will do."_

Zim's face brightened as he smiled wickedly. "This idiotic attempt to sell this fragrance item gives me an idea Gir. I knew these humans were incredibly low on the evolutionary scale but I didn't realize they could be controlled through scent. Perhaps I should get some of this body spray and see if this doesn't have some affect on Dib's scary sister."

"Can we buy some candy while we're out?" Gir happily chirped.

Zim sighed hopelessly. "Alright, but I don't want you throwing any used candy wrappers on the cruiser's floor again."


	2. Chapter 2

CH2

They got to the mall just before closing time and went straight to the closest perfume counter. They found small collection of assorted perfume and cologne bottles sitting on a tray. Gir quickly found the bottle of "Hatchet" and sprayed it on Zim which instantly began to burn his sensitive Irken skin. "Aaagh! Oh the pain Gir! The horrible, horrible pain!" The two ran out of the store without buying any perfume at all. They returned to the Voot cruiser and set out for the country side.

"It's obvious that these humans were clever enough to sabotage their everyday hygiene products to stop aliens from blending in too easily. But I can over come this very small obstacle; it's just a disgusting pity that I can not merely woo this worm baby with my naturally wonderful charm. No matter, Gir we shall go and find our own fragrance and allure this human female," Zim commanded with confidence.

Gir's eyes turned red and he sharply saluted. "Yes sir!" but then his eyes turned cyan again. "You li-ike her! You li-ike her! You wa-ant to m-marry her! "

"Shut up Gir!" Zim growled under his teeth, but Gir continued on with his song only quietly. "You li-ike her! You li-ike her! You wa-ant to m-mary her!"

Once outside city limits they found a field to land on and stepped outside. "I want to find something that is uniquely tailored for me," Zim asserted as they walked in the open air.

"I want something that commands attention; something that is truly deserving of my appreciation; something that makes everyone unmistakably aware of my presence."

"How 'bout these?" Gir picked a handful of wild flowers and shoved them in Zim's nose. Zim barely inhaled their pollen before it made him violently sneeze. "A-a-a-CHOO! Ach, get those vile things away from me Gir!"

Gir obediently threw the flowers on the ground then quickly picked up something else that caught his attention. "How 'bout this?"

Zim glared at his robot disgustedly and put his hands on his hips. "That's cow dooky!"

Gir looked down at the steaming soft brown mush he had in his hand. "So?"

Zim refused to even dignify the demented robot's remark and just walked away. Then suddenly something in the air caught his attention. "Follow me, Gir!"

They walked for about half a mile or so when they came upon a paved country road. There, just a few feet from them lay a very dead skunk with its musk fuming into the night air. Zim deeply inhaled the putrid stench and smiled. "Ah, who would have thought such a lovely scent could be found on this wretched rock. It reminds me of home Gir, it's perfect!"

They picked the dead skunk up and took it back to their lair. The next morning Zim began to rub it all over his body; paying close attention to his underarms, his chest and even swiped the rotting corpse between his legs for good measure. He went to 'skool' proud as can be, only to have every single student gag and groan as he walked by. Some even vomited, while others just fainted. When he saw Gaz standing in the hall he intentionally walked up to her.

"Greetings, Dib's sibling Gaz," Zim announced in a boisterous voice; he even made a point to stick his chest under her nose and shimmied a bit to stir the scent even more. "Go ahead sub-creature, feel free to ravage me; I'll allow it."

Gaz's immediate reaction was abrupt and quite violent to be sure but it wasn't at all what Zim was expecting. She drew back her fist and clocked the pompous alien right on the chin, making him fly in the air a good foot or two before hitting the floor with a hard thud. The hallway went up in a roar of cheers even from a few teachers that were holding their noses for dear life. Gaz was not punished for hitting Zim but Zim was immediately sent home with a note explaining his swollen jaw and demanding he bathe in tomato juice before returning to 'skool'.


	3. Chapter 3

CH3

The next day Zim was watching some more of this very misleading device called television. What he noticed this time was that the more flamboyant the men on TV dressed, the more women they had hanging all over them. "Hmmm, perhaps Gaz isn't the type of female who is allured by scent but rather a male's attire; Computer!" he barked. "Create me a new disguise."

"Oh good," for once the computer sounded almost happy. "I was wondering when you'd get tired of that same old ugly one you've been wearing all this time."

"Hugh?" Zim cocked his head and knitted his brow before catching computer's comment. "Very funny Computer, but I just want a new set of clothes."

"He wants to impress a _girl_," Gir explained to Computer in a teasing manner.

"Oh he _does_?" Computer wondered amusingly. Zim however wasn't about to let this conversation of theirs to continue.

"Enough Gir, enough Computer! I forbid either of you to talk of such horrid things."

"Then exactly why _do_ you need a new outfit, _master_?" Computer asked accusingly.

"Well yes, I am attempting to win a girl's loyalty but that doesn't mean I have any feelings for the worm, pig, hairless monkey thingy," Zim defended himself.

"Hmmm, I see," Computer seemed satisfied with his master's explanation. "Well let's see if I can create an outfit that will mesmerize this worm, pig, hairless monkey girl thingy…"

"Don't call Gaz those things!" Zim angrily interrupted.

"But, _you_ just called her…" Computer tried reminding him.

"I know what I just called her!" Zim yelled loudly. "That doesn't give you the right to call her what I call her."

Once again Gir started to dance and sing, "You li-ike her, you li-ike her!"

"Master if I may be so bold," Computer then tried to bring some sense of reason to the situation. "If you want to get a human female to like you, just try to be yourself, well alright maybe not you _exact_ self, but to depend on one's garments to appease someone else is just not logical."

"I don't care about logic!" his master ranted. "The television has made it clear to me that I most have expensive and ostentatious clothes if I am to succeed in winning a female's devotion!"

"Oh," computer now sounded mildly disappointed that his master once again refused to listen to his advice.

"Alright how about this?" and instantly on Zim handheld screen there was a picture of Zim wearing a red polo shirt and dark blue dockers. Zim sneered at the sight. "No," he insisted. "Too bland!"

"Hmmm, maybe this…" computer then created a new image with Zim wearing an executive's outfit, briefcase included.

"No," Zim turned his nose at that. "Too stuffy!"

"O-o-h K-k-a-ay," Computer was beginning to get a bit frustrated. The image on the screen was now of Zim wearing a black Italian jacket and pants with a dark grey shirt and dark sunglasses.

"Hmmm," Zim considered it. "No, too snobby!"

"Well how about this?" Computer angrily mocked back. The image was Zim as a ridiculous clown.

"Oh now you're just being silly!" Zim rebuked. "Computer, make me an outfit that earth women can't resist. Something that really gets attention, something that not just anybody can wear, something regal and pomp; something…"

Gir excitedly blurted out, "something _pimped out_!"

"Eh?" Once more Zim cocked his head and knitted his brow.

Gir gawked at Zim for a second. "You know like those guys we see in music videos!"

Zim then recalled watching many of these hip-hop videos were the men had throngs of women doing whatever they wished and heartily agreed with Gir's suggestion. "Yes, that's it. Computer, pimp me up!"

"Alright then; _you're_ the master. OK, let me think…" Computer coughed a bit to hide his unprofessional snicker. It then began to rummage through the files for just the right look. "You'll need a hat, a big one. Then there's the suit, three piece, silk no tie, and platform shoes. Oh yes, I almost forgot we need a color that really stands out. Hmmm, how about this…" and suddenly on the screen was Zim dressed in dark fuchsia seersucker's suit and a matching fedora with a fur trimmed bandana around the rim. The shoes were white alligator skin with very, very tall heels, (a feature Zim particularly liked), and to top it off computer added a thick gold chain with a ridiculously large medallion of the Irken symbol."

Zim eyed it skeptically. "Something's missing," he noted critically.

"I know!" Gir waved his hand for attention and began to jump up and down. "A cane, a cane! He needs a cane!" Computer sighed heavily and if it had hands it would have thrown them up into the air.

"Whatever!" he huffed and instantly a black cane with a ruby encrusted handle appeared next to the image of Zim. Gir's cyan eyes lit up with joy. "Ooh!"

Zim smiled very pleased. "Computer, make it so!"

Zim went to skool the next morning strutting like a rooster. He was so caught up in his fantasy of having Gaz idolize him that he never even heard the riotous laughter coming from every direction. When he came to the skool building, he saw Gaz sitting on a bench, busily pounding on her portable video game. He confidently walked up to her, but not once did she so much as look up at him.

"A-hem!" Zim attempted to interrupt her but she merely moved out from his shadow and growled at him. By now the laughter around her was getting louder and louder. Defiantly she ignored the laughing as well as Zim and played on. Zim then tried to recall what he had heard these men in the music videos say to bring their adoring women slaves to their knees. "Yo bitch, stand up and turn around so I can look at all that junk in your trunk."

With that, Gaz had no trouble stopping her game and glared at him. "_What_ did you call me?"

Immediately Zim realized that Gaz was insulted. "So you do not succumb to these idle words of flattery. No matter, now that I have your attention, -feast your eyes on me Gaz. Does not this rich and colorful display of clothing I wear make you want to worship me at my feet?" Gaz said nothing as she slowly rose to her feet.

"I'm not going to hurt you because you insulted me, or because you think I'm some kind of mindless bimbo twit. I won't even hurt you for trying to blind me with that awful suit as much as I should; _but_, I will hurt you and hurt you badly because you made me loose my concentration and now I have to start the final level over from the beginning!"

Before Zim could even duck she decked him on the other side of his chin making him fall over the bench and land in a puddle of mud. To add insult to injury, he even accidentally hit himself with his own cane as he slid further into the mud. His outfit was entirely ruined and but not his fortitude. This time he was sent home again with a note explaining why he was so dirty and that he was not allowed to wear any Halloween costumes to skool ever again.


	4. Chapter 4

CH4

Zim sat there in front of the television screen contemplating his next move to woo and win Gaz's allegiance. The commercial that caught his attention this time was that of man working out at a gym. "_Come down to Mighty_ _Mo_'_s mega gym and get the body your woman always dreamed you'd have."_

"Hmmm Gaz isn't impressed with scent or with flashy wardrobe; so perhaps she is drawn to brawn." Zim then lifted his scrawny twig like arm and sighed. "I could go to my lab and try to create some concoction that would give me instant muscles but it would probably take all night to come up with something and I want results now!"

He thought some more about this idea and tried to come up withnew. "Maybe I don't have to have huge muscles, perhaps if I do something daring; maybe that would impress this volatile earth female."

He thought about it a little more. Then finally he had one of his brilliant ideas. He immediately rushed over to Gaz's house and began to shimmy up the telephone pole that was closest to her house. He then began shouting her name to get her to come outside and watch. "Gaz! Come witness my great agility and steady nerve!"

Reluctantly Gaz came to the window and looked up into the sky. There she saw Zim slowly walking across one of the electrical wires that led to her house. Zim continued on, one brave step after another, focusing all his energy on staying calm and reaching the other side of the wire. 'I'm doing it! Ah-ha, I'm really going to make it!'

Meanwhile Gaz stood there at the window, mildly interested to see if the little green guy would make it across or not. Then just as he made it to the half way point, he made the terrible mistake of looking down. 'Oh dooky.'

Suddenly his confidence evaporated and each step after that got harder and harder to take. 'What am I doing? This idea was crazy!' He looked forward to see how far he had to go; then he tried to look behind to see if going back would be easier. But all the moving around made the wire jiggle and he slipped, and he came down, his groin smacking hard onto the wire. There he froze, straddling the electric wire for what seemed to be an eternity. Then mercifully his body weight tilted and he fell to the ground, landing in Gaz's back yard. Gaz didn't exactly run out the back door to come to his aid, but she did at least go. She arrived at his side just as he came to his senses. Zim weakly lifted his head, his vision still blurry as he tried to focus on Gaz as she stood there shaking her head with her hands on her hips. "Hey space boy, if you want to impress somebody," she began to lecture as she reached for his wig.

"Just be yourself," and with that she yanked the wig from his head. Zim nervously stood to his feet with the intentions of running but once it was clear that Gaz wasn't looking to do him any harm, he remained still studying Gaz as she studied him. "So is there anything else you're wearing that's not really you?"

Zim held his breath and slowly peeled the contacts away from his naturally red glowing eyes. He stood there in front of this human female who was just staring at him with her hands on her hips; carefully looking the alien up and down. He couldn't remember ever feeling so vulnerable before this moment. As far as he was concerned he might as well have been completely naked. For a moment or so neither of them said a word, then at last Gaz spoke up. "You sure are one _ugly _alien."

Zim couldn't help but feel thoroughly rejected and he slumped over a bit looking quite sad. He was just about to walk away without saying a word, when Gaz added one more thing. "But in a cute sorta way." Zim's face brightened somewhat.

"This is a good thing?" he wondered honestly. Gaz paused for a moment milling over the alien's question. "Y-y-y-yeah for the most part."

In that instant, Zim confidence returned. "So is being ugly in a sort of cute way good enough to make you give me your total devotion, worship and praise? Will you offer me your allegiance and help me conquer this miserable world you call home?"

Gaz cocked her eyebrow and huffed. "No."

"Oh," Zim pondered for a moment. "Well, is it good enough then to make you pledge to me your allegiance, worship me now and then, offer some mild praise from time to time and help me conquer this world?"

"No," Gaz flatly claimed.

Zim now put his hands on his hips in frustration. "Fine; then is it at least good enough to earn your allegiance and help me take over the world?"

Gaz was now getting bored and she sighed. "No, _but_ is it good enough to have me feel sorry for you and tell you that my brother Dib will be home any minute and unless you want him to get a picture of you looking this way, you better go now."

"Ah," Zim was quickly getting the idea that Gaz wanted him to leave and soon. "This is not such a bad thing. Pity is a perfectly acceptable substitute under these circumstances. Who knows," he then added in an ominous tone. "This could always lead into something more endearing."

"Not if you were the last alien on Earth," Gaz assured him as she threw his wig at him. "Now go."

Zim quickly put his disguise back in place and began to strut away. He had not won the grand prize that he still wanted very badly but he did feel that he was at least coming home with a sound conciliation prize. He entered his lair feeling victorious for the first time in quite some while.

"We won't be watching that evil machine television any more," he arrogantly asserted. "It is full of lies and its entirely misleading."

Gir's gasped in shock and horror. "But we need to see the conclusion of _The Scary Monkey Show_! Remember it was a two-parter!"

"Oh that's right," Zim suddenly remembered, smacking him self on the forehead. "Very well, we may watch this second part of _The Scary Monkey Show_. But after that we must turn this vile thing off and never allow this deceptive appliance to fool us again.

"Ok," Gir happily agreed. "Once Scary Monkey is over I'll start spending all my time with you master. We'll have fun in the lab and you can show me all your neat inventions and we can go to your control room and run around, then maybe Computer can join us and we'll play charades. Then maybe we can…"

"Gir," Zim quickly interrupted him. "Perhaps I judged this television too harshly. Maybe we should continue watching it; you know strictly for gathering information."

"Oh, Ok," Gir once more happily complied.

'Phew, that was close.' Zim thought to himself. He then headed to the lower levels of his lair.

"Well I'm off to the lab Gir, I have much work to do if I am turn Gaz's pity for me into praise." Gir watched him disappeared in the trash can then picked up Pig and gave him a big hug. "Phew, that was close Pig."

-THE END


End file.
